Words I Couldn't Say
by Shayliz
Summary: Olivia has been gone from SVU for a couple months when Elliot discovers heartbreaking news. How will he manage without her? R&R. This all takes place after Season 8 Episode 1:Informed Added 2 chapters 11.28.2006
1. Chapter 1

So my first fic was Songs about Rain ... this is my first EO fic. Not quite sure where I want to go with it yet, and this is really just an introduction chapter so it is short. I apologize if you don't think I stay true to their characters, obviously my writing is my interpretation of how they would act in the given situations that I write about. Reviews are much appreciated!

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"Hey Dad? Where are all the pictures you had up?"

Elliot looked up over his morning paper to his daughter standing in front of him. "They're in a book, in a box, in the closet."

Maureen pulled a chair out from the kitchen table and took a seat, resting her elbows on the table and her chin in her hands. She knew what had happened with Olivia and could tell it obviously was having an effect on her dad. Even though they never came out and said they loved each other, you could tell. She wasn't a little girl anymore. She was an adult and the same glances Olivia and her dad gave each other were the ones she shared with her fiancee.

"Dad .. you can't just pretend like Olivia never existed. It's not good for you to keep all of that inside."

"I really don't know what you're talking about, Maureen. How's your mom?"

Maureen sighed, "Mom is fine, don't change the subject. You know you can always talk to me, right?"

Elliot half laughed, slowly folding his paper up and placing it down on the table in front of him. "Isn't that my line?"

"No, I'm an adult now. It goes both ways. If you want to talk to me about her, you can."

"I don't want to."

"But Da-"

Maureen didn't get a chance to finish her sentence before Elliot stood up from the table and walked into the living room of his small apartment. Maureen followed quickly after.

"Dad, you can't keep running away from this! She's been gone for three months and you've been grumpy ever since! God, would you just talk about it? I don't really care if you don't wan-"

Elliot raised his hand in the air, cutting her off, "Don't you raise your voice at me, young lady. You may think you are an adult, but you are still a little girl to me!"

"Well, stop thinking of me as your daughter for a minute! Think of me as a friend who cares about you and doesn't want to see you hurt! You are so stubborn sometimes, Dad! I'm leaving, call me when you want to actually admit how you feel."

He didn't even try to stop her as she grabbed her purse off the couch and stormed out his door, slamming it behind her. She didn't want to leave, but she couldn't stand the way her dad had been acting lately. So withdrawn, so alone.

"I love her. I love her so much and she doesn't know it. I never told her. Do you know how much that hurts me?" He yelled out, answering Maureen's question even though she had walked out, "It has always been at the tip of my fingers, on the tip of my tongue. She was right in front of me, in my arms.. and I couldn't tell her before I let her slip away! Not once, but twice!"

He rubbed a hand over his unshaven face, but quickly put it back at his side when his door opened once again and Maureen was standing there.

"You're back," He said casually, hoping she had really left and came back. Hoping she didn't hear what he had said.

"How long have you loved her?"

"Maur-"

She stepped back inside, closing the door behind her. She looked up at her dad with pleading eyes as she approached him, "Please, I need to know."

"I can't answer that."

"Why? Is it because you loved her while you were married to Mom?"

"No! I mean, I don't know.. It's not like we were standing on some perp's porch one late night in June and I just decided I loved her. But that really doesn't matter now. What am I going to do? She took away the second chance she gave me and the only person I have to blame is myself. You don't know what it's like. All I can hear in my head are the words I couldn't say."

Maureen was surprised that he actually opened up to her. She wasn't quite sure what to say. Elliot took advantage of the silence and continued talking. She wasn't sure if he was really talking to her, or if he was talking to himself and she just got him going.

"I nearly broke my knuckles the night she left. Cragen had to order two new locker doors because I completely destroyed mine ..and hers. They were right next to each other, partners. They were what we were supposed to be. I had so much to say to her, so many words that just wouldn't pass my lips. And it's too late now. I should have told her, damn it .. now the only person I'm telling is myself."

"Dad, I'm-I'm sorry. I didn't know how hard this really has been on you.." She wrapped her arms around his stomach and hugged him like he used to hug her when something was bothering her. He welcomed the embrace and wrapped his arms around her, placing a kiss on her forehead.

"Don't be sorry for me, baby girl. I'm sorry I just dumped all that on you. It felt nice to get it out, but I shouldn't have with you."

"I'm your daughter. If I can confide in you, then you can confide in me. You always told me I can tell you anything, it's a two way street now."

Elliot ruffled his daughter's hair before stepping back from her, placing his hands on her arms, "Thanks baby, that means a lot."

Maureen smiled, "You know she'll be back, Dad."

"I really hope so."


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: Okay, this one is a little short too. I've been outlining what I want to happen in each chapter without trying to be too evil with cliffhangers, so I apologize if some chapters seem too short for you. As always, read and review, thanks!

Elliot sat back in his chair and lifted his legs up to rest on top of his desk. His lips curved into a smile as his partner stormed up to his desk, slamming down a wax paper-wrapped sandwich on his desk.

"Would you quit putting relish on my turkey sandwiches? It's so disgusting, Elliot!"

"I remember someone giving me a lecture on how much they love relish, and if I forget to get it-"

Dani let out a frustrating sigh, "That's only for tuna, you goof!"

He shouldn't be so cruel to her when it comes to food, but he can't help it. Reaching into the brown paper bag on his desk, he pulls out another wax paper bundle. He offers it out to her, as a trade for forgiveness.

"That better be a turkey AND ham sandwich," She eyed him carefully, "or else I'm not eating it."

"Just take it, no relish. I promise."

Dani grabbed the sandwich out of his hand and walked back over to her desk that sat directly across from his. She had been Elliot's partner for five months now, but she knew in his heart that she wasn't his partner. He wouldn't even call the desk that she sat at hers. It was Olivia's desk, it was "the desk", it was never HER desk. She really wasn't sure what had went on between Elliot and his previous partner, just that her name was Olivia and she had moved on. She wondered why he hadn't moved on.

"..are you listening to me?"

Elliot's voice interrupted her thoughts, "No, sorry. I was daydreaming. What did you say?"

"I asked if you happened to get the paper today, wanted to make sure that rape case didn't leak to the media."

She grabbed the paper that she had previously tossed into the trash bin next to her and plopped it back onto her desk. "No leak. Nothing really interesting in the paper. Here.." she tossed the paper his way.

"Thanks."

As Elliot looked through the paper, she got started on researching the latest MO. All three girls that had been raped were not harmed, well, other than the fact that they were raped. But he insisted on painting their nails pink and making them wear mint lip gloss. She was so into her search that she nearly jumped out of her seat when Elliot began yelling, "NO! No..no..NO!"

Dani recovered from her shock and looked up at Elliot just in time to watch him stand from his chair, sending it flying behind him.

"Elliot? What's wrong?"

He didn't answer, he was too preoccupied. She sat and watched as he threw the paper, sending sections of it all around the precinct as he continued yelling out. The door to Cragen's office flung open and Don stepped out, a confused look on his face, "What the hell is going on here?"

Elliot stopped yelling and walked over to Don, pointing a finger in his face,"This is YOUR fault! You let her go!" As the tears that Elliot tried holding back starting pooling down his face, he turned and walked out the door leading up to the roof. The two detectives glanced at each other as Dani finally stood up from her desk.

"What is he talking about, Dani?"

"I have no idea!"

They both bent down together and picked up the papers that Elliot had thrown about. As she handed her pile to Don, he looked down and gasped, "Oh god.."

"What? WHAT? What the hell is wrong with my paper!"

Cragen didn't say anything, he simply pointed to the headline of the story on page 4. Dani read it aloud, "Three members of eco-terrorist group were killed yesterday after explosion," Her fingers traced down to the list of the three pictures and names listed, "Victims were identified as first names only listed Andrew, Martin and Persephone." 


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note: There are some time jumps in the story, but they will be noted "6 months later" or "1 year later" etc. This is kind of a sad chapter to write and I'm doing it at 4am when I should be sleeping so I hope it is still quality work! This story is going to have some twists and turns so don't be too discouraged yet. I'm trying to keep everyone in character but everyone gets some OOC-ness every once in a while. :-P and of course I own no one except for Sarah and Jenna and my made-up Elliot's sister Susan. Thanks so much for your reviews so far, it's what motivates me to write... especially at 4am! I hope this chapter leaves you thinking "WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPENED." Also, Olivia's letter is mainly from Rascal Flatts "My Wish". Enjoy!

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The sun was shining down on everyone that morning; there wasn't a cloud in sight. It was a bit ironic that such a sad day would be joined together with gorgeous weather. Cragen had arranged a small funeral for Olivia; he knew she wouldn't want a bunch of people who hardly knew her to be there, pretending to be sorry for the loss of someone they didn't even know. No, this was a funeral dedicated to Olivia. He spoke of her stubbornness, her great detective work and most of all, her love for her co-workers. Munch and Fin both told humorous stories involving Olivia, hoping to lighten the mood of the small group that even included Elliot's ex-wife and children. Everyone besides Elliot laughed, each remembering their own memory of Olivia. Elliot just sat in the uncomfortable folding chair, his hands in his lap and his head down. He had a piece of paper open in his hands, but nobody dared ask what the paper contained.

And one year later, he sat in a similar way. The grass was warm beneath him; the flowers he had planted that spring had bloomed beautifully. He never had lucky with plants, but he knew that if he planted flowers on her grave, they would grow. This was his spot, his relaxation center. He came here after hard cases, easy cases, fights with his children, fights with Dani… any time he felt like he had something to say to her. In his hand was that same piece of paper that he held at her funeral. It was a letter he had received a day before. He didn't know that one piece of paper could throw his world around so much until the moment he opened his mailbox and saw the handwriting on the envelope, _her _handwriting. The envelope was postmarked a month prior, and he loudly cursed the post office and their unreliability as he ripped open the envelope. The letter was his connection to her, and he kept it with him wherever he went. As he sat at her grave site on the anniversary of her death, he quietly read the letter aloud to himself.

_Dear Elliot,_

_Please don't show this to anyone else. I am not supposed to be writing to you or anyone but I haven't forgiven myself yet for not saying goodbye to you, but I hope you have forgiven me. There just wasn't enough time. They took me away rather quickly; you know how that goes. I think about you everyday. I also think about your poor new partner, I hope he or she has survived being with you! I hope the best for you, El, and I hope that I will get to come back to you soon. If not ... I want you to keep these words in mind, because I wish the best for you. I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slowly and each road leads you where you want to go. If you're faced with the choice and you have to choose, I hope you choose the one that means the most to you. And if one door opens to another door closed, I hope you keep on walking until you find the window…If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile. And while you are out there, fighting crime in this violent world, I hope you know that someone out there loves you… Don't forget about me Elliot, because no matter what happens, I won't forget you. _

_Love,_

_Olivia_

The tears flowed freely down his cheeks as he folded the letter back and placed it in his pocket. It figures, the first time she hints at loving him is in a letter he received after she died. Life just didn't seem fair to him anymore. He sat in silence until his phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hey Elliot, are you at work?"

"No, no. Hey sis, what's going on?"

"Oh, not much at all really. I just wanted to make sure that you were still planning on coming down here tomorrow? Sarah can't stop talking about seeing you again."

Elliot smiled; he hadn't seen his sister or niece, Sarah, in over five years. So when Sarah called like she did every year, begging him to come down and visit, he finally took the vacation time to do so. "Yes, my flight lands in Chicago at 4pm. Are you going to pick me up or is Sarah?"

"Sarah will be working until about 6, so I'll be picking you up. I really can't believe you're actually coming to visit. It just has been so long."

"I know … that's what happens when we both work full-time jobs."

"I work a full-time job, you work a full-life job," Susan laughed, "Okay well Sarah just got home so I am going to let you go. I will see you tomorrow at 4! Love you."

"Love you too, see you tomorrow. Bye."

Elliot closed his phone and placed it back inside his pocket. He kissed his index and middle finger and ran his them over Olivia's name carved on her tombstone. Afterwards, he stood, brushed himself off and began the slow, sad walk to his car.

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"Come ON, Jenna! You have to come to meet my uncle. It's perfect. He's single, you're hot... It's a win-win!"

Jenna laughed nervously, playing with the ends of her long, blonde hair, "I don't know, Sarah. I'm really not looking for a relationship."

"I'm not asking you to marry him. Just show him around Chicago. You didn't give me the days off and my mom works. Can you at least show him around?"

"I didn't give you all of the days off because you didn't request them off in the eighteen-day notice that I need. Besides, I did give you two of the days off."

"Well, that's still two days that he needs to be shown around. Please? You have those days off!"

Jenna sighed. She moved from Minnesota to Chicago six months ago to be an Operations Manager at Best Buy and Sarah was her right-hand girl and very much her best friend in the city. They got along pretty well for being fifteen years apart, except for the fact that Sarah was just as stubborn as she was, "Okay fine, I'll show him around for one day but if we don't get along – that's it!"

Sarah smiled; she knew that Jenna would cave in eventually, "Yes! I win. Now come on, let's go back to your place so you can change."

"What? Why?"

"Because my mom picked him up from the airport two hours ago and you're coming to have dinner with us."

"No, No I can't... I have to work-"

"-until six, just like me." Sarah grabbed onto Jenna's arm, practically dragging her to the employee room so they could get their purses, "Listen, if you two really don't get along tonight, I promise I won't push the issue any further."

"You're lying."

"I know… but I already told my mom you were coming, and you can't let her down. Come on, we just picked out that cute black blouse and black and white striped skirt, now you have a reason to wear it! You did look amazing in it."

Jenna just shook her head as she gathered her things and headed out for a night she knew she probably wasn't going to be able to get out of anytime soon.

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Sarah was right; Jenna did look amazing in the outfit that she mentioned earlier. It accented all of her curves just right and she felt great wearing it. It had been a while since she felt great, and she felt a little silly being nervous about meeting a guy. After all, it's not like the guy was going to be in town for more than a week. Even if they did get along, she knew nothing would happen. That was a little disappointing to her, but she tried to convince herself that she didn't need a guy in her life. Secretly, there was only one guy she would consider getting into a relationship with, and that guy was way out of her reach.

"We're here!"

Sarah's excited scream knocked Jenna back into reality and also knocked the butterflies back into her stomach. She bit down on her lip and tried not to seem nervous as she climbed out of Sarah's car and followed her to the doorstep. She had been to Sarah's house many times; this time shouldn't be any different.

"Here goes nothing," Jenna whispered to herself as she stepped inside the house behind Sarah.

Susan greeted Jenna with a hug, but didn't even get a chance to say hello to her daughter, "Where's Uncle Elliot?"

"Elliot? Your uncle's name is Elliot?" _Elliot. _The name itself sent shivers down Jenna's spine.

"Yeah, I didn't tell you?"

"No… you said his name was Lou."

Susan laughed, "Sarah, he's in the kitchen. And Jenna, when Sarah was little, she couldn't say Elliot. So she called my brother Uncle Lo, not Lou."

Sarah had already run into the kitchen by the time Susan finished explaining the name exchange to Jenna. Jenna heard Sarah squeal as she said hello to her uncle, and the voice that she heard respond back almost made her loose her lunch right there on the hardwood floor. She tried to think of a way to leave right at that moment, but didn't have a chance as the swinging door of the kitchen flung open and there was Sarah with Elliot in tow behind her. Jenna turned her head down to the side, hiding her face behind her long blonde hair from Sarah and Elliot.

"Oh Jenna, stop!" Sarah laughed, "Uncle Elliot, I'd like you to meet my hot, single, available boss Jenna..."

"I'd say nice to meet you, if I could see you."

Jenna bit down on her lip, knowing she had no way out of this. Slowly she pulled her blonde hair out of her face, bringing her head back up to face him. She heard him gasp the moment she moved her hair.

"_Olivia?_"


	4. Chapter 4

Authors Note: Elliot has been going a bit soft on us lately – or at least I think so! After tonight's episode.. I wasn't sure HOW to have Elliot react in my story. I originally thought angry, but then with tonight's episode I thought maybe he would be a bit calmer.. I still am not sure since I haven't written past this yet! So we are all in for a surprise... It is mostly dialogue, but I hope to change that in the next chapters. Enjoy!

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Blonde hair or red. Contacts or glasses. Elliot knew those eyes. He knew that chin, those cheekbones. He recognized everything about her. But knowing it all didn't help the shock of actually recognizing her in person once again. There he stood with his jaw wide open, looking into the eyes of the one he had loved and lost, or so he thought.

"I'm sorry Sarah, I have to go."

Olivia turned quickly on her heels and ran out the front door as if a perp was on their front lawn. Without turning around, she knew Elliot was running behind her. She mentally cursed herself for wearing heels as he reached her, placing a hand on her shoulder and spinning him around to face him. She could read the confusion and hurt in his face but she had nothing to say at that moment.

"Don't you dare run away from me again," his voice was shaky. She knew he was trying to be strong and powerful, but she could see right through it.

"Elliot, I can explain…"

Elliot chuckled a little, taking his hand off her shoulder and instead running it through his hair.

"Explain what? How you're not dead? Can you really justify why I have been in hell for the past year? Explain why I was fucking pitied around the precinct for months? They made me see a shrink because of you. I was on desk duty for TWO MONTHS. No, Olivia, I don't think you have an explanation."

"I didn't have a choice!"

Elliot shook his head, "Bullshit! Nobody forced you to go undercov-" He stopped, glancing at the area around them cautiously. He leaned in, whispering, "Are you WPP?"

"No… I was cleared out of WPP about a month ago."

Elliot opened his mouth but Olivia stopped him, putting her finger to his lips, "No, you have to let me explain! I couldn't come back, not yet. I wasn't ready to face you, Elliot. Damn it, I'm still not ready! You don't think it hurt ME to walk away from my job? I left everyone I've ever known, everyone that I trusted in my life I walked away from. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time, El, I really did. But I got in too deep. The Feds were worried that my cover would be blown. Do you know what those crazy people would have done to be if they learned I was an informant?!" Olivia sighed loudly and slowly sat down on the cool grass. Elliot didn't say a word as he sat down across from her.

"They would have burned me at the stake. So I was pulled out, they faked my death. I guess everyone in the organization believed it, but still I was put into Witness Protection. I was in Minnesota for a few months… I landed a job at Best Buy Corporate as a Call Center Associate. It really was a terrible job. All I did was handle calls from people who weren't happy with their experiences. Sometimes it was the stores' fault and I'd handle that … other times the customers were just nuts. Anyway, it was feared that someone knew where I was, so I was transferred to Chicago and I've been here ever since then. Last month, I received a call that I needed protection no longer and I was free to return to New York. I begged them to let me stay here longer. I needed time to prepare to come home. I knew everything that you knew. I knew you thought I was dead. No pun intended, but it killed me to know the pain that it had caused you. I could feel it every night before I went to sleep, if I could sleep at all. How was I supposed to come back after all that?"

"You should have come back sooner," Elliot twirled blades of grass between his fingertips as he spoke, not looking up at her anymore.

"How, Elliot? What would you have done if I just walked into the precinct? Greet me and go to a case? I don't think so. You would have been shocked."

"And I'm not shocked now? I keep expecting to wake up and be in my apartment. This is like some lucid dream. I don't want to wake up."

Olivia smiled for the first time since seeing Elliot in the room and brought her hand up to his face, cupping his cheek, "I'm real. I'm really in front of you and I'm sorry for all the pain I put you through."

"I can't forgive you yet. It's too soon. I'm still having a heart attack from seeing you."

"That is a common thing to happen when you get to be your age…"

"Oh shut up, Liv."

Once he called her Liv, she knew everything was going to be okay. It might not be okay right now, tomorrow or next week… but it would be okay.

"So, do you want to go inside and explain to my sister and niece what's going on? I guarantee you they are looking through the window right now."

Olivia turned her head and sure enough, Sarah and Susan were in the window watching them. They quickly jumped out of sight when Olivia spotted them but they knew they were caught. Elliot stood from the ground first, extending a hand to Olivia to help her up. Once she was on her feet, he didn't let go of her hand. Instead, he pulled her into a tight hug and nuzzled his face into her neck, breathing her scent in. She wrapped her arms tightly around him, holding onto the one thing in her life that truly mattered.


	5. Chapter 5

Author's Note: I didn't abandon this story! I meant to update sooner, but I had writer's block and totally forgot how I had planned this story to go. Sorry if it seems a little scattered, I am trying to get back on track… now if I could only remember what track that was! 

Olivia slowly slid the key into the lock of her Chicago condo. With Elliot standing behind her, she wondered if she had made the right decision to invite him over after leaving his sister's house. She wanted to turn around and tell Elliot that this wasn't a good idea; that she wasn't ready for this. Instead, the only turning she did was turn the doorknob to open the door into her secret world. She stepped into the dark living room and reached by the wall, turning on the lights.

"Take a seat; I'm just going to change."

Elliot watched her disappear into a small hallway and made his way around her living room. It seemed so impersonal. The only thing that made it feel even remotely like a home was the picture of the two of them together that was framed on her side table. Other than that, it was just four walls with some furniture in between them. He picked up the picture frame and held it in his hands, smiling at the memory of the night it was taken. It had been a late night at the precinct and he had one picture left on the disposable camera that he bought to take pictures of one of Dickie's games. It took a couple minutes of talking, but he finally had convinced Olivia to take a picture with him. He had one arm around her and right before he took the picture; he tickled her side which resulted in a huge smile on her face.

"Can't stop admiring yourself?"

He put the picture back down on the table and turned to face Olivia, who was now dressed in loose sweats and a baggy NYPD tee. She smiled softly as she sat down on her couch, folding one leg under her. Elliot followed her motions and sat on the other end of her couch, resting his arm nervously on the armrest.

"So, this is your place?"

"No, I decided to break into someone else's place. Yes, this is my place."

"Not funny. I was just trying to break the ice."

Olivia sighed, pulling her other leg under her body in an attempt to get comfortable. But she knew it was going to take more than a simple body adjustment to be comfortable with Elliot Stabler at the moment, "I know."

They sat in silence for a couple minutes before Olivia blurted out, "How is he?"

"Who?" He tried to feign confusion, but he knew exactly who she was asking about. Or who she thought she was asking about.

"Your new partner. How is he?"

"He is a… uh... she. Her name is Dani. She's a little rough around the edges, but she's an okay cop," he smiled.

"Oh…" Olivia leaned back against the couch. She wasn't one to be jealous, and she shouldn't have assumed that his partner would be male. She wasn't sure what made her more jealous; the fact that her replacement was female or how he smiled after he spoke. But it didn't really matter. It wasn't like Elliot was hers to be jealous about anyway, "Well, I'm glad she has kept you safe."

"Olivia, she's just temporary. You don't have to be worried."

"Worried? I'm not worried. She can have my job if she wants it, I don't know if I'm coming back."

The words coming out of her mouth shocked him almost as much as they had shocked her. Elliot quickly moved closer to Olivia, placing his hands on her shoulders, "What do you mean you don't know if you are coming back?"

"Maybe I'm not meant to be a detective anymore, El."

"Olivia, no, no…" His eyes pleaded with her as he searched her face for any sign of this being a joke, "You can't be serious!"

"Chicago isn't so bad."

"It's not New York!"

"No, no it's not," Olivia bit down on her bottom lip to fight tears and placed her feet on the ground to stand. With Elliot's hands on her shoulders, he was able to keep her in her seat on the couch.

"I never signed the papers until you were gone."

Olivia looked at him, confused at the sudden change of subject, "What papers?"

"My divorce papers. I never signed them until I thought you had died."

"Why… why did you wait?"

"I gave up hope for everything. Even though I gave up the hope for my marriage a long time ago, I couldn't bring myself to sign those papers. Signing those papers meant I was a failure. I couldn't admit to being a failure while you were relying on me to have your back every day. When I thought you had died… I had nothing."

"Oh, Elliot…" She pulled him to her in a tight hug as tears flowed down her cheeks. He wrapped his arms around her back, fighting back his own urge to spill tears. They sat like this for a while, each comforting the other. Elliot pulled away first, bringing his hands up to her face to wipe her tears away with his thumbs.

"You have to come back to New York, Olivia. It would kill me if you didn't. It took me so long to get over your death… I don't know how I could cope with knowing you are alive but not being able to see you everyday. Let's be us again, please?"

"I miss us," Olivia sniffled as put her hands on his and brought them away from her face to rest in her lap.

"So book a flight back with me tomorrow," he pleaded.

"Tomorrow? I… I don't even have a place to stay anymore."

"Stay at my place. I have a very inviting couch. Please, you deserve to have your life back. You can't tell me that you are honestly happy here."

She sighed. She knew in her heart that he was right. She wasn't happy, she was miserable. She belonged back in New York, back in his life.

"Help me pack."


	6. Chapter 6

Olivia breathed a long awaited sigh as she collapsed onto the couch in Elliot's living room and closed her eyes. It was a sigh of relief, she was finally home. She didn't realize how much she truly missed New York until the plane landed at the airport. Elliot had laughed at her the whole taxi ride home, teasing her by calling her a tourist. She couldn't help but gasp and point at all the buildings she missed and the places she made him promise to remind her to go to. The only time she was quiet was when they passed the precinct. As much as she missed it, she knew she wasn't ready to go in there yet. She needed time to build up the courage to ask for her job back. It was courage she wasn't sure she had.

Elliot took a seat on the floor next to his couch, where Olivia had quickly fallen asleep. He had placed a blanket over her, but she barely moved. He knew that she was exhausted, physically and mentally. He brought his hand up to her face and rubbed her cheek with the backside of his fingers. She stirred comfortably in her sleep, bringing her own hand up to her face to rest on top of his. Elliot smiled, placing his head down on her stomach. It wasn't the most comfortable position for him to try to get some rest in, but he couldn't bring himself to leave her once she was right there in front of him.

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Olivia brought a hand over her eyes, trying to block the unwanted sunlight that was shining in her eyes. She jumped up into a sitting position when she realized that someone else's hand was on her face.

"Mmph... what? What's wrong?" Elliot mumbled as he was rudely awakened as she jumped up, his head flying off of her stomach.

"Oh gosh, I forgot where I was." She had a hand on her heart, trying to bring her breathing back down to a normal level, "How did you sleep down there?"

"Terrible. I might have to take a medical leave of absence," Elliot used the couch to push himself off of the floor. He then occupied the seat cushion next to Olivia that was now empty.

"Well, it's your own fault for not sleeping in your bed. Speaking of medical leave, when do you have to go back to work?"

Elliot glanced down at his watch, "Oh, in about an hour."

"An hour?! What did you expect me to do while you are at work?"

"Come with me."

Olivia stood up from the couch and began pacing in front of it. Her hands found their way around her blonde hair and she began to play with the back of her neck, something Elliot knew she did only when she was nervous and uncomfortable.

"No… No, El. I'm not ready for that yet."

Elliot stood and stepped in front of her, stopping her pacing. He placed his hands on the curve of her hips, reassuring her, "I'm not asking you to go back to work. I just think you should at least visit everyone."

"They think I'm dead, Elliot! I don't think dropping in with you would be a great idea."

"And when would it be a good idea? Are you just going to keep running from everyone else like you ran from me?"

Olivia had no words to say. Instead, she decided that a firm slap across Elliot's cheek was the best way to respond to him. As her hand slid off his now red cheek, she growled, "That was low, Stabler. REAL low."

"I'm not going to apologize, Olivia. You need to stop running and just go back!"

"Go back to what?! I don't have a job anymore, Elliot. I walked away from it. I walked away from everything!"

Olivia threw her hands up in defeat as she stormed past him. He reached out and grabbed a hold of her arm firmly. She turned, looking down at his hand on her arm before moving her arm back quickly, loosening herself from his grip.

"Don't you dare grab me like you just did. Don't you dare, Elliot Stabler!"

"Fine, Olivia. You win. I tried to be nice but I guess you don't want anyone to be nice to you. I'm sorry I grabbed you, but I'm not sorry that I think you should tell everyone the truth."

"I'm not ready!"

"What would make you ready? A month of hiding away in my apartment? You do what you want, Olivia Benson. But I can guarantee you are going to slip up. You can't stay away forever. Someone is going to spot you on the street one day. You might think that you can fool people with your ridiculous blonde hair, but you can't fool the ones who know and love you. Now, if you'll excuse me… I have to start getting ready for work."

Elliot didn't even look at her as he walked past her. She turned and watched him walk into his bedroom, wincing as he slammed the door. She knew he was right. She couldn't go forever without being seen by someone who knew her. She sighed and slowly made her way for his front door. Quietly, she opened the door and slipped out of his apartment, knowing exactly what she needed to do.


	7. Chapter 7

It seemed that no matter how many times Olivia stepped outside, the brisk Chicago air shocked her, sending shivers down her spine. She pulled her coat closed and held it against her body as she walked onto the sidewalk. It wasn't that cold out, but when the wind blew, it felt ten times colder. She walked quickly, her heels making a quick click noise at each meeting with the concrete.

"You're such a coward," she muttered under her breath as she speed walked down the familiar street that her apartment was on. She might have been walking physically, but mentally she was running. Running back to her apartment in Chicago, running away from Elliot and everything that was familiar to her in New York. She pushed open her apartment building door quickly and as she stepped inside the building, the door slammed loudly behind her. Just like Elliot had slammed the door in her face before.

"Stupid boy."

Olivia fumbled with the keys in her pocket before pulling them out and putting the only silver key on the keychain into apartment five twenty-nine's doorknob. She turned the key and opened the door, both familiar and unfamiliar scents hitting her nostrils as she inhaled. As much as she liked this place, it was never home to her. It was just a place to sleep, to eat, to remember what she had back in New York.

The day's earlier events hit her and she chuckled when she saw her nice collection of blue Best Buy polo shirts folded neatly on her floor, left over from when Elliot helped her pack. Today, after talking with her landlord and paying a nice amount of money to break her apartment lease, she went to "work". She walked into her General Manager's office after missing two days of work and he was less than pleased. She knew he expected a good explanation from i Jenna /i . She also knew he wasn't expecting her to ask for a two week vacation starting immediately. Once he agreed, she handed him her two week notice papers. It was hard for her to do, even though she didn't really like the job. She felt like a quitter, to just hand over part of her life like that. But she quickly remembered that it wasn't her life anymore. Jenna was just another one of her fake identities, like Persephone. In order to completely understand herself, she needed to cut all ties with these fake personalities. It was easy to disassociate herself with Persephone, she didn't agree with anything that she was supposed to be interested in and frankly, she found the supporters odd. But Jenna was just a normal woman trying to make a life for herself. Jenna wasn't over the edge and extreme, she was a way for Olivia to be the relaxed person she never was in New York. As dumb as it sounded to her, Olivia had made up parents for Jenna. They were happy and had Jenna because they wanted to, not because of rape. In a way, it made Olivia feel better about being Jenna and not herself. Jenna was her way out of her own messed-up life but now that was over. Olivia's messed up life was back.

But in a way, she liked it messed up. It was fun not knowing what was going to happen next, what the next creep would say, the next thing Elliot would find to complain about.

She missed Elliot, in a totally non-sexual way. Hell, who was she kidding, she missed him in a sexual way even though they never did anything. He might have been just a stubborn man, but he was her stubborn partner and she loved him in more ways than one. She knew he would be the one reason why she returned to New York forever.


End file.
